I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
