dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
