haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
