I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
