Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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