I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
