i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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