I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
