Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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