ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
