I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
