you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
