Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
