You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
