I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
