The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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