I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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