Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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