Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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