So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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