i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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