Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
