I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
