I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
