He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
