he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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