I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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