I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
