dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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