he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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