he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
