my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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