You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
