That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
