dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
