im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
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Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize