someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
