Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
