shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
