Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
