i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
