Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
