Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
