I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
