My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
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