fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
