the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
