Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
