I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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