U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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