Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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