I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
