You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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