I looked at my own cervix.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
