i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
