Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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