I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dear god my vagina.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
