Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So much rum. So many feels.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
