so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
